Behavioral Analysis K9 Unit
by AhmoseInarus
Summary: Garcia has a drunken dream involving the team as dogs. Still Reid-centric even though it's Garcia's dream. Just something goofy, not to be taken seriously. Just for fun. See if YOU think I matched breeds with the characters well! H/R Fluff


The BAU K9 Unit

Hatochiisai

Disclaimer: No own. Piss off.

WARNING Hotch/Reid pairing but just a TINY bit of fluff. Otherwise, warning for goofiness.

* * *

The BAU sat around in Derek Morgan's living room, watching movies and drinking. They finally had a weekend off. Why they decided to spend their Saturday night sitting around doing Jell-O shots and watching "Lady & The Tramp", "101 Dalmations" and "All Dogs Go to Heaven", Hotch didn't know. But it was oddly fun. He smiled and looked down at Reid, cuddled into his side and smiling at the TV. He grinned; Reid was drunk. He turned at a loud giggle. Garcia was drunk, too. She flopped across Morgan's lap, singing along with the poodle in "Oliver & Company". Morgan was chuckling, and did another Jell-O shot.

JJ and Emily giggled to themselves and leaned in close to one another, whispering and eyeing Rossi. The man had fallen asleep right after "Lady and the Tramp" and before "All Dogs Go to Heaven".

For some reason, Garcia had proclaimed tonight "Dog Night" and had bullied Rossi into bringing his chocolate lab, Munchy. Munchy was now curled up by his sleeping master, just as Clooney, Morgan's yellow lab, was curled up at Morgan's feet. Which was fine with Reid. As soon as Reid had walked in the door, both dogs barked at him, sending him fleeing into the living room. The dogs, however, felt that Reid needed supervision. The first fifteen minutes of the team's night was spent laughing at Reid's expense as he was chased by the over-interested barking dogs. Until Hotch finally came to his rescue and ordered Morgan and Rossi to call them off.

Then the team settled in to watch their movies. One by one, they all fell asleep. Garcia was the last one awake. She looked around at her team and smiled. Rossi sleeping with Munchy by his side… her own handsome Morgan with Clooney at his feet. JJ and Emily sleeping with their heads together, as if they had fallen asleep giggling and gossiping. And Reid, curled up in Hotch's arms, resting against his chest. She smiled and yawned, resting her head in Morgan's lap. And slowly, her eyes fell closed…

* * *

Garcia groaned, opening her eyes. She frowned and lifted her head. She was on the old, hard ground in an alley, lying behind a dumpster. Her heart began to pound, and she whimpered.

"H-Hello?" She called.

"Garcia?" A familiar voice called.

"Morgan?!"

"I'm coming!" She listened. A moment later, she heard a clicking noise, and a soft panting. And a moment later, a large, one hundred fifty pound Rottweiler trotted into view. She froze, and her eyes widened.

"There you are, Baby Girl." The dog said, giving her a big grin. She stared.

"… Morgan?"

"Uh huh." The Rottie said, letting his tongue roll out of his mouth in amusement. "And aren't YOU a pretty little thing." She blinked and slowly looked down at herself. She was tiny. Covered in soft, curly fur. It almost looked a pale pink in color. She was a poodle.

"What happened?" She asked, getting to her paws and shaking herself out.

"Hell if I know. Pretty cool though, huh?" Morgan asked.

"Speak for yourself." Emily Prentiss' voice came from down the alley. They turned and looked. A dark brown Afghan Hound was striding towards them with a graceful gait, her long, luxurious coat fluttering in the wind. A petite Golden Retriever trotted by her side.

"Wow. Look at you two." JJ's voice came from the retriever, and she wagged her tail.

"What the hell is going on?" Came another female voice.

"Elle?" Morgan called, turning. An Irish Setter trotted over.

"… Morgan?" She asked.

"… Yeah." Morgan said.

"Where are the others?" Emily asked. "Rossi and Reid and Hotch?"

"Gideon is looking for them." Elle said.

"Gideon?" Morgan asked. "He's here, too?"

"Yeah." Elle said. "This way." And the group of canines trotted down the alley after the Setter.

"What are you doing here, Elle?" Morgan asked.

"I dunno. What are YOU doing here?" Elle shot back.

"The ground is COLD!" Garcia whined and bounded up, landing on Morgan's broad shoulders. "Ah. Much better!" She sighed, sitting down and enjoying this new vantage point.

"Elle!" They turned.

"Gideon! You found them?" Elle asked. Walking towards them was a Bloodhound. Following was a handsome German Shepherd and a dignified looking Giant Schnauzer.

"Garcia? Is that you?" The German Shepherd gasped, and the Schnauzer chuckled.

"Fitting." Rossi observed.

"Has anyone seen Reid?" Hotch asked, and the Bloodhound looked at the German Shepherd.

"I'll see if I can sniff him out." Gideon said, and the Bloodhound put his nose to the ground.

"So… Does anyone know what the hell happened?" Emily asked, eyeing Rossi the Giant Schnauzer, with his silver eyebrows and moustache on the black face.

"… It's kind of fun." JJ said, still wagging her tail. Morgan chuckled.

"You have a poodle on your back." Rossi announced, amused.

"Sure do." Morgan said, grinning and wagging his stump of a tail.

"Found it!" They heard Gideon call and Hotch trotted over, lowering his nose to the ground, sniffing.

"That's Reid, alright…" The German Shepherd said.

"Lead the way, Rin Tin Tin." Elle announced, and Hotch gave her a look.

"Let's go, people." Gideon snorted, and snuffled down another alley.

"People? What people?" Garcia asked, wagging her little puffball on the end of her tail. Elle, Emily and JJ giggled to themselves.

"Reid?" Gideon called, continuing to sniff down the alley.

"Spencer?!" Hotch barked.

"Reid!" Rossi called as well.

"I'm here!!!" They heard the familiar voice answer. And then they heard a shuffling noise. Gideon perked up and wagged his tail, then trotted forwards. And a moment later, Reid scampered into view, running as fast as he could on his short little legs.

"… He's so CUTE!!!" Garcia gasped, leaping from Morgan's back and running over to the little brown long haired Dachshund. "Awwww… He's a PUPPY!!!" Big brown eyes peered up at her from a long, narrow face, framed by long floppy ears. Reid wagged his tail.

"Garcia?" He asked. "… You're PINK!"

"I'm gorgeous." Garcia announced.

"Are you okay?" Hotch asked, nudging the dachshund with his nose.

"Hotch! You're HUGE!!!" Squeaked little Reid.

"This is the BEST drunken dream I have EVER had." Garcia blurted. "I can't WAIT to tell you guys about this when I wake up."

"… This is SO not FAIR!!!" Reid blurted, suddenly. The others all looked down at him. He was staring up and around at the team; Hotch the hundred ten pound German Shepherd. Morgan the hundred fifty pound Rottweiler. Rossi the ninety pound Giant Schnauzer. Gideon the eighty pound Bloodhound. JJ the fifty pound Golden Retriever. Emily the seventy pound Afghan Hound. Elle the sixty pound Irish Setter. Even Garcia, the twenty pound poodle dwarfed him.

Spencer Reid. The five pound miniature dachshund pup.

He plopped his bottom onto the ground and drooped, pouting.

"Awww… come on, Spence." JJ gigged, licking his cheek. "You're so CUTE!!!"

"… I'm a DASCSHUND!!!" Reid whined.

"You're ADORABLE." Emily snickered, and Elle grinned. The men chuckled as the girls converged on the pup, fawning over him and trying to cheer him up. After a bit, his ears perked a bit and he gave his tail a little wag.

"So now that we've got everyone accounted for, what do we do?" JJ asked.

"We should head to the BAU." Rossi said.

"I agree. We need to find out what's going on." Gideon said.

And so the pack trotted off down the street. Garcia again rode on Morgan's back. The others took up a smooth loping gait, moving quickly and easily… for the most part. Reid scampered along as fast as his little legs could move him, but he quickly fell behind.

"H-Hey! Guys! Short legs, here!" He called after the others.

"Awwww… lookit the little baby…" Came a deep chuckle. Reid's eyes widened and he skidded to a stop as several dogs trotted into view… There was a Doberman, a Rottweiler, a boxer, and a couple of pit bulls. A large, muscular red brindle pit led the group. He chuckled, leering down at the little dachshund. Reid whimpered and tucked his tail in, huddling down low to the ground and trembling.

Up ahead, Garcia turned and looked back.

"Oh! Morgan! Reid!" She cried, leaping off of the Rottie's back and scampering back the way they had come, yapping angrily. "GET AWAY FROM HIM!" The others turned. She heard two deep growls behind her, and a moment later the German Shepherd streaked past, and Morgan leaped over her.

The pack of dogs turned when they saw Morgan and Hotch charging at them, ears back, hackles up and teeth bared, Rossi, Elle, Prentiss and Gideon hot on their heels. JJ was trying to keep Garcia from attacking the closest dog, which was the boxer.

"FBI!" Morgan barked. The pack before them growled back at the Agents, sizing them up. They didn't seem too concerned about the Afghan Hound or Irish Setter… but Reid knew that underestimating Emily and Elle would be THEIR mistake…

There was a dark chuckle, and Reid flinched at the large paws that came down on either side of him. The pit bull stood over him, challenging the other agents.

"Is there a problem?" He asked, and Reid fixed a pleading look on his team mates. Garcia was still off to the side, barking angrily at the large dogs surrounding her baby… especially at the one standing over him threateningly…

Reid let out a few little pathetic whines, fixing his large brown eyes on his team.

"Back away from the kid, man…" Morgan growled, glaring at the brindle pit.

"What's so special about the little cocktail weenie?" The pit asked.

"He's FBI. And you need to back away. NOW." Hotch growled.

"Reid. Come here." Gideon said. Reid gulped and moved to slink over to the Bloodhound, but he had only moved a few inches when the Doberman smacked a paw down right in front of him. He froze.

"Where are you goin, pup?" The pit chuckled.

"Back off. NOW." Hotch snarled, moving forwards. Morgan moved with him.

"NEUTER HIM, MORGAN!" Garcia yapped.

The two packs stared each other down, and then Reid bolted. And that was like the starter pistol going off. The dogs lunged, Morgan and the other Rottweiler clashing, their bodies crashing together audibly, jaws snapping viciously. Emily and Elle took the boxer and Doberman and led them in a fluid dance, easily evading their every attack. Rossi and Gideon drew the attentions of the other two pit bulls, leaving Hotch leaping after the large brindle pit who was lunging at Reid, jaws wide open.

Reid ran for his life, yelping in fear as he heard the teeth snapping after him, even catching some of his long hair. Hotch slammed his shoulder into the pit, knocking him off balance, and then leaping away when the pit turned his teeth on Hotch.

"Hey! What's going on?!"

A pair of Belgian Malinois had come around the corner.

"We're FBI!" Garcia yapped, bouncing around them. "Help us!"

"All Units! All Units to 5th and Howard!" One of the Malinois called, and the pair leapt into the fray. Within moments, more Malinois were appearing from around corners, coming in as back up.

"Go!" Shouted one. Hotch turned and ran from the pit bull, darting over to Reid and seizing him in his teeth, holding him by the loose skin at the scruff of his neck. And with Reid safely dangling from his mouth, he ran. The rest of the team followed, leaving the gang of trouble makers to the Police K9 Units. Reid whimpered, curling up and keeping his tail tucked. Garcia bounced along side Hotch.

"Is he okay?!"

"I don't smell blood." Gideon said, trotting along. "At least, not on Spencer."

Satisfied, Garcia took up her spot on Morgan's broad shoulders again and surveyed the damage done to her team. Morgan was littered with small cuts, Rossi was limping on his right front leg and sporting a gash on his shoulder. Elle and Emily just needed a good brushing and they would be perfect, and Gideon had a nick on one of his long ears. Hotch had several bloody slashes across his muzzle and over his neck and shoulders, but his thick shepherd mane had done a good job of protecting his throat.

"Ah… finally." Rossi sighed when they reached the office building. They walked in, and stared.

"… this. Is. AWESOME!" Garcia exclaimed, looking around as dogs of every breed and color ran about.

"This is STILL not fair." Reid pouted. He had immediately noted that the smallest dog there (a Japanese Chin) was fifteen pounds. And HE was still FIVE pounds.

Now that they were safe, Hotch set Reid down. Reid shook himself, then looked up and touched noses with Hotch, then trotted by his side towards the elevators. JJ smacked the button with a paw and they all piled in when the doors opened. They slid shut a moment later. Garcia hopped to the floor and trotted over to Reid, beginning to lick his ears in a mothering manner. Reid wagged his tail. A moment later, the doors opened.

"Penelope! There you are!" A round pug cried, charging over.

"Hi Kevin!" She announced, bounding over to him.

"… That's awesome." Morgan chuckled, waggling his stump of a tail.

"Agent Hotchner!" The team tuned and stared as a little cream colored Shih Tzu shuffled over, her hair falling in a silky curtain.

"… Chief Strauss." Hotch greeted, and Morgan, Emily and Elle fought not to burst out laughing.

"What on earth happened to you?!"

"… I think that's what we all want to know about… everyone…" Hotch said, slowly.

"Will!" JJ called, and bounded across the office. A handsome rust colored Golden Retriever stood to greet her, a little sandy colored pup at his feet.

"… My own infant GODSON is bigger than me!!!" Reid wailed, making the others laugh.

"But you're so CUTE!!!" Emily pointed out, and Reid gave her a look.

"Yeah. Because THAT'S what I'm going for." Reid drawled, voice dripping in sarcasm.

"You ARE." Hotch chuckled, turning and heading for his office. Reid pouted and scuttled after him.

"This is so not fair." He grumbled. When they reached the stairs up to the office, he stared at Garcia and Kevin, sitting at the top. Kevin was licking Garcia's cheek, and she was giggling.

"No humping in the office, please." Hotch said firmly, trotting up the stairs. Reid gathered himself up and leapt at the first stair. Garcia and Kevin watched him bounce right off of it, tumbling head over heels.

"Oh!" Garcia yipped. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." Reid grumbled, trotting back over to the stairs and glaring at his laughing teammates. He then turned his glare onto the step, wiggled his little puppy bum, and JUMPED.

"ARF!" He grunted as he landed half on it. Hotch peered out of his office door and watched Reid's eyes widen as he dug his little claws into the stair. The rest of the team behind him couldn't help but laugh as they watched his back paws scrabble at the step for purchase. But slowly, he slid backwards and toppled out of sight. Hotch chuckled at the frustrated whine.

"This is not FAIR!" Reid howled. Hotch sighed and walked down the stairs.

"Trying to follow me, pup?" He asked. Reid pouted and glared at him. Hotch chuckled again and lowered his head, taking Reid's scruff between his teeth and lifting him off of the floor. The team giggled again when Reid tucked his tail and curled up, and Hotch carried him up the stairs and into his office. He hopped up onto the sofa and set Reid down. Garcia peered in at them.

"Awwww…" She cooed, watching Reid snuggle down between Hotch's front paws, resting his head on the Shepherd's foreleg, right next to his head. "You two are so CUTE!"

"So are you." Kevin chuckled, looking at her. She looked at him and he promptly began licking her in the face.

"Ew! EW!!! KEVIN!!" She cried, leaning away. "KEVIN!!! STOP LICKING ME!!!"

"KEVIN?!"

Garcia jumped awake and stared at Morgan. He and the others were staring at her, laughing as Morgan pulled Clooney away from where he was licking Garcia's face.

"EW! Morgan!" She howled, smacking the man.

"Why were you telling Kevin to stop licking you?" Hotch asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh!!! I had this amazing dream! And you were all there! We were DOGS!"

"… We were dogs?" Rossi asked.

"Yeah! I was a poodle—"

"No surprise there." Morgan laughed.

"—And you were a Rottweiler!"

"Awesome." Morgan said, grinning.

"And Rossi was a Giant Schnauzer."

"Excuse me?"

"Schnauzer!"

"Bless you." Rossi snorted, and Hotch chuckled.

"And Emily was an Afghan Hound, and Elle was a Spaniel—"

"Elle?"

"Elle. And Gideon was a Bloodhound."

"Fitting." Reid said, nodding.

"And JJ was a Golden Retriever and so was Will and Henry was the CUTEST little butter ball!"

"Butter ball?" JJ asked

"And Kevin was a pug and Strauss was a Shih Tzu!" The team burst out laughing at that.

"What was Aaron?" Reid asked, grinning.

"Hotch was a German Shepherd. And OMG, Reid… you were the CUTEST little itty bitty dachshund!"

"… Dachshund?!" Reid blurted eyes widening.

"You were little bitty with short little legs! You couldn't jump up the stairs to Hotch's office, he had to carry you!"

"How would he do that?!" Reid sputtered.

"By your scruff. Like a cat carries her kittens!"

Reid groaned and flopped back onto the sofa while everyone laughed.

"You suck, Garcia!"

"You were so CUTE!"

"You SUCK!"

"… Sounds like you were cute." Hotch snickered. Reid gave him a look and growled, then got up and staked out of the room.

"And now YOU'RE in the Dog House." Rossi chuckled, watching Munchy and Clooney stare after Reid, then follow him into the kitchen.

A moment later, there was barking. Reid let out a shriek and ran back into the living room, the dogs on his heels. And he took a flying leap onto the sofa and into Hotch's arms. Hotch chuckled, wrapping his arms around Reid. And he looked at Rossi.

"You were saying?"

"… I could be wrong."

"Thought so. Now if you will excuse me, I think I need to pet the puppy." Hotch said. Reid's eyes flashed. "OW!" The man yelped as Reid smacked his hand away and moved to sit between Morgan and Garcia.

Rossi smirked. "Then again, maybe I wasn't."

"… Shut up, Dave."

* * *

THE END

* * *

Author's Note/Public Service Announcement: I wish to express that I in no way believe that Pit Bulls are "Bad Dogs". I have had a lot of interaction with Pit Bulls and I have seen both the good in them that many believe isn't there, and the bad that everyone thinks of when they hear 'Pit Bull'.

Pits can be WONDERFUL dogs. But the fact of the matter is, the dog is only as good as how he was raised. Sadly, pit bulls are trapped in a vicious cycle. They have bad reputations, and certain people out there want them because of that reputation. These people raise these dogs to live up to that reputation, which only reinforces said reputation, continuing this cycle. The majority of these dogs are favored by the people who want them, not as pets, or companions, but as status symbols. They get these dogs and toss them in the back yard. They are not trained, they are not socialized, they are not handled properly. They are not loved. They are shown off, bred and in unfortunate cases, they are fought. The prize dog for these people is the large, bulky intact male who looks like he could dominate in a fighting pit. And since this is the most common use for them, this only contributes to their bad reputation.

A pit bull who is properly bred, raised, trained, handled and socialized by someone who TRULY loves the breed, and the dog, can be the most wonderful, gentle pet you could ever ask for. In the field that I work in, I see two types of pit bulls; the gentle loving pet, and the aggressive, dangerous dog. And ultimately, the aggressive dangerous dogs are all owned by the same type of person.

So PLEASE remember… The OWNER makes the DOG.

And PLEASE!!! Spay and Neuter your pets. Your dog's balls do NOT impress anyone as much as you think they do. And keep in mind that unaltered dogs are 50% more likely to develop cancer, not to mention behavioral problems such as aggression and marking, or in the case of females, pyometras… this is a uterine infection that IS FATAL unless the dog is spayed IMMEDIATELY, and a pyometra surgery can cost THOUSANDS of dollars.

Okay. I'm done. Those are just two issues I feel strongly about. I can't help it. ^.^' Please review!


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